


Pure Lands Guide for Dummies

by Thri_here



Category: Naruto
Genre: -sometimes, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Assuming Edo-tensei makes you lose Pure land Memories, Basically source is me, Crack, Definitely ships, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Memes, Multi, Oh my god why do I write so much crack, Other characters in the Pure Lands, Pure lands!Madara, Pure lands!Other Naruto characters, Sometimes tumblr, Sort Of, Vines, Yuugito is a disney princess fite me, i'll add tags as i go, maybe ships?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:54:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27195397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thri_here/pseuds/Thri_here
Summary: So. Madara is dead.Hey! Why do so many people want himmoredead?? He only kinda-sorta-only killed maybe like a thousand people??
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. I've been gravitating towards the fandom more in the past month :'). And decided on a no-more-crack resolution with exams right around the corner.  
> So.  
> I lasted for four days.  
> Enjoy.

Madara: So this is ninja hell. Nice.

Madara: *looks around*

Madara: So where do I apply to burn stuff.

Madara:*dramatically spreads hands and bellows towards the heave--err, skies?* I have finished my term in hell.

Madara: Now I'm going to the Pure lands.

Madara:

Madara: Anytime now, God-Man.

Obito: Ha! We tricked you, genius! You were in the pure lands all the time.

Madara: WHAT THE--

Rin: *innocent close-eyed smile* I'd love it if you continued your plumbing facilities for another fifty years.

Madara: how DARE you-

Obito: *keeps cackling*

Rin: Thirty for you, Obito.

Obito:

Obito: Oh.

Mito: *sips tea* As Rin was saying, _thank you_. Just so you know, the Tsukuyomi with your greatest fears was my idea.

Madara: how DAR-

Mito: Sadly, Husband cried over anything too explicit. 

Mito: Which included brothers and eyeballs--just so you know.

Mito: *Aggressive tea-sipping noises*

Madara:

Madara under his breath: Damn Harpy.

Madara: I should have known it when it seemed like the Tsukuyomi!

Obito: I know.

Madara: I should have known when I was cleaning the same sewers again and again!

Obito: I know.

Madara: I should have known when _Izuna _gave Hashirama the bestest friend ever kiss instead!__

____

Obito: I kno-

____

Obito: What.

____

____

Madara: *watching hordes of eyeballs around Izuna*

____

Madara: *shakes his brother by the shoulders and screams frantically*

____

Izuna:

____

Izuna: _Now_ I get why Mito asked me to paint over tennis balls.

____

____

Rin: Here's your brother, Madarasan.

____

Madara: I understand the whole Founders respect but I don't really need to be called san after killing you and everything--

____

Rin: Here's your brother, Mada*^*%^%$&^%TUY*(U(@@#!((*^&$$#$@

____

Rin: Oops.

____

Madara:

____

Obito: No hyphens must be feared.

____

____

Hashirama: Madaraaaa! We can finally have that-- 

____

Izuna: *dramatic* Aniki how could you be so stupid?

____

Hashirama: [in the background]--drink, y'know when you were gone--

____

Izuna: Aniki what were you thinking?

____

Madara: *emotional moment* Izuna I'm so sorry

____

Hashirama: [in the background]--and tobi made this thing go BOOOM and I said NO BAD TOBI YOU CANT SUMMON THE LIVING AND--

____

Touka: Do we tell him the Uchiha ain't listening?

____

Tobirama: He said "tobi".

____

Touka: Which means...? 

____

Tobirama: No.

____

____


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kou, Kurohime,Mads, Togakushi, and the ever famous Izuna (at least in the Founder's fandom) are Madara and his siblings in age-ascending-orderish btw.
> 
> I know, I know, in canon Madara says "brothers" but according to this interesting theory here: https://sennokami.tumblr.com/post/182666501469/theory-about-madara-and-izunas-names
> 
> One of the sibling's names is "Kurohime". However you twist that hime's going to be princess. She can be a brother if it's "Kuro", but hey, why do most of the interesting founders get to be guys? 
> 
> (Touka, Mito, no, please no kill me, I say "most")
> 
> I've got kinda-thorough headcanons for the siblings in the beginning notes+ end ones if you want to read them btw.  
> Because I obsess over the smallest things:
> 
> Headcanons(TM): (I prostrate before thee for my canon-related mistakes.)
> 
>  **Kou** : went out to the battlefield, was tired of the war and died (at 9) young before he could truly grow bitter towards the Senjus which influenced Mads (since he was only six and saw that the battle was affecting nii-san badly).  
> Very sporty and up beat. Likes dancing, kick the can and kenjutsu.
> 
> Always felt very responsible for Mads, later the twins and Izuna. Taught Kurohime her katas even when calluses weren't lady like and hid Togo's poem stash in different places. Helped with flower crowns and a mr.i've-got-em-sunshine-smile. Started the dunk-in-the-koi pond tradition.
> 
> (Madara: Aniki, I caught butterflies.  
> Kurohime: Oo that's nic--  
> Toga: *tears up* H-how could you nii-san they were so pretty and now they're dead  
> Izuna: (baby language) blurb blrub blurb *lip protruding out* (dead not good)  
> Kurohime: Dead?  
> Kurohime: _no_. *verge of tears*  
> Kou:  
> Kou: Let's not catch butterflies again, yeah?  
> Kou:*grins widely*  
> Kou: *dunks all the brats except Izuna into the shallower koi pond before they start screaming and crying*
> 
> Later:  
> Kou: *whispers* psst I like catching butterflies too  
> Madara:  
> Madara: *Dunks him back*)
> 
> Died in the battle cut down by an older guy. 
> 
> Age relating to Mads (rtM):2 years older, Died: 9 y/o, When Mads was (WMw): 7
> 
>  **Madara** : Well. You know.
> 
> Uchiha clan ladies don't really go out much but **Kurohime's** from the main clan so she learnt how to defend herself. She's never gone to the battlefield so she was more into Madara's idea of [PEACE-PACTS-WHOO!] 
> 
> Well mannered. Soft-spoken. Not very intelligent.  
> Liked her katas,rough fights with Izuna (since she lagged behind Toga and Mada most of the time because of less training) with her very-undesirable-when-not-in-anybody's-company-but-still-pretty kimonos away, listening to poetry, humming/making tunes with the lyrics of Toga's poems and bugging her twin 
> 
> (Kurohime: *very politely whispering kimono sleeve covering mouth* did you imply you might-could-kinda have a crush on the blacksmith's daughter? 
> 
> Toga: No, I said her hair's like yo--. 
> 
> Kurohime: Yes, like mine, and why yes,thank you for the compliment, mine is superior, very unfortunate, but close to mine, and mine is beautiful, so you're calling her ethereal, ergo, crush.
> 
> Toga: How am I even related to you--)
> 
> Also liked making flower crowns with Izuna.  
> Was especially fond of the Koi pond tradition.
> 
> Izu boyyo later kept his hair long even when it was a pain (came to like it) because she oiled everyone's hair. Neutral towards her father. Her anger gouge is 90% for a moment and then that passes and it's yup, back to 10% aka standard settings. Prone to rash decisions (protected her twin and made a ruckus when there was an assassination attempt, leading to her death)
> 
> Age rtM: 1 year younger, Died:10 y/o, WMw:11 y/o
> 
> (To be continued because urgh, word limits).

Hidan *in the pure lands* : Is this Jashin's place?

Deidara: I _told_ you he's dying in one year with that Jashi scam, yeah?

Sasori: _No_ , you said one and five. _Fifteen_.

Shisui: What if he said one _or_ five though?

Itachi: *regally nods*

Deidara: _Somebody_ gets it, yeah!

Izumi: You get half the money?

Kakuzu [ who would very much like half the money too]: I think I said one _or_ two too.

Yahiko: You literally handle the money, man.

Hidan: [sorta happy he has somewhere to go]

Hidan: WHAT THE FUCK, BASTARDS YOU BETTIN' ON ME?

Hidan: I GET HALF OF WHATEVER

Neji [drunk]: You ever have a friend who won't like, die, and you're over there in a corner smirking going _goodbye tail fucker_ and your brain dead sibling jumps into the fray?

Hizashi: Siblings can truly be draining, yes.

Neji: And then BAM you have wood through your heart without doing even one fucking palm out of one-hundred-fucking-twenty-eight?

Kurohime: Absolutely.

Neji[drunker]: Then you gotta die for some fate bullshit when you're so young to, like power up the universe's sob stories? You feeling me, man?

Kawarama: Awfully specific.

Kawarama: But also intriguing.

Kawarama: Continue.

Omake:

Hiashi: *sneezes*

Himawari: *smiling widely* oh it looks like you're having A-good-option-to-kill-but-forgotten-character syndrome like Kurenai-oba, grandpa!

Hiashi:

Hiashi: Boruto how about 2 thunderburgers for _Hiashi is grandpa_ instead of _Dattebasa_

Itama [watching the sunrise in a genjustu for drama]: You ever feel guilty and all that shit, mate?

Obito [also watching the sunrise for drama]: I did.

Obito: Until the Uchiha clan asked me if I wanted to babysit slash play kick the can with the 'kids'

Obito: Or be skinned alive.

Itama: Ha, at least you don't _die_ from the skinning since you're dead already.

Toga: *weakly* haha

Itama and Obito: What?

Toga: [sort of disturbed that this was Not A Joke] Okay. 

Omake:

Obito: That's the thing. I did feel guilty.

Obito: Until the fuckers said being skinned alive was just a dummy option.

Obito: *a single heavy sob* I dealt with the kids, 

Toga: [puts a hand on Obito's shoulder heavily disturbed by Konoha-standards of children and kick the can]

Itama: [Flashbacks of water dragon powered cans, wood splinters, and pointy swords and growing up with major assholes as brothers]

Itama [puts a hand on other shoulder]: The massacre?

Itama: Motherfuckers had it coming.

Omake of the omake lmao:

  
Civilian uchiha who was murderd #1: Kamui me to kick it, mask man!

Civilian uchiha who was murdered #2: NO ME!

Obito: I know you guys had a bad childhood

Obito: But you are 17, working through PTSD with the guy who kil- _fuck_

Civilian Uchiha who was murdered #3 [internally]: we had no childhood at all bastard.

Civilian Uchiha who was murdered #3: [tackles and pulls at hair] MASK MAN KAMUIIIIIIIII KICK THE MANNNNN

  
Obito[dramatically to the heavens]: What did I _do_ to deserve this

Uchiha parents, Izumi and all the "children": [heavily unimpressed and judgemental]

Obito: OK I get it but--

Civilian kid #3 who is 17: MASK MAN KAMUIIIIII WOOOO

Obito:

Obito internally: _no_.

Madara: Oi wasn't I here before the reanimation? why cant I remember that?

Mito:

Kou: You did. Some fifty years of the sewer last time too? so it's kinda weird you don't remember. 

Rin:

Hashirama: Somebody kidnapped you after the Tsukyuyomi, Madara

Izuna: [looks at the women and starts sweating] 

Hashirama: [looks at his brother]

Tobirama:

Tobirama: Anija the rinnengan and the Hashi boob job had to be scrutinized drugging was appropriate as the sheer mental strain the Uchiha had to put up with was not helping resea--

Hashirama [sighing]: are you going to say "it was for science" or not tobi

Tobirama: In my defense, it was for the greater good.

Izuna: [sees Mito and Rin exchange glances]: *whispers* Oh no. They were on it. 

Kou: 

Omake:

Note: [later on Mito's table] Honorable Mito I challenge you to a Koi pond duel on behalf of my sibling's sanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Togakushi** i: Hated the Senjus extremely. Twins with Kurohime. Izuna mostly grew up influenced by them while Mads was closer to Kou before his death. Detests the Senju for the assassination attempt.
> 
> Age rtM: 1 year younger, Died: 11 y/o, WMw: 12 y/o
> 
> Likes art and is usually calm natured. Very mild temper but hates way too easily.Its like hatred simmers beneath his skin?? Not noticeable but there. Sticks with first opinions, period.Enjoys poetry, literature. Detests his father's parenting. Very impressionable--like mads, can be easily manipulated.
> 
> (Izuna age 3 and already a brat:Niki, 'niki, we go play?
> 
> Togo: Where's kuro? She was looking for you to spar or something.
> 
> Izuna:*crosses arms* She mean. I fight.
> 
> Togo: *literally cooing* aww, you wittle, little you wanna be with niki? you like niki more? more than mads? aww you little--
> 
> Kurohime: TOGO CATCH HIM BY THE ARMS THAT LITTLE DEVIL STOLE MY HAIR CLIPS-
> 
> Togo: You're being mean to him, Kuro!
> 
> Izuna: *cackling under his breath and suddenly without a wisp* That's check and a mate.
> 
> Madara:
> 
> Madara: Wow.)
> 
> Not fond of the koi pond tradition.  
> Was often at a lost what he'd balance himself against with hot-headed Kurohime gone.
> 
> Killed in the battle.
> 
>  **Izuna** : Well. You know.  
> Hated the Senjus obviously. Can't recall Kou much but awakened the Sharingan in a simple spar when Togo was being pushed around by a clan member when he was only seven because of post-Kurohime-what-if-he-dies-too-PTSD adding to things. 
> 
> Aka was super good with the Sharingan.(so triggered it easily)
> 
> Trusted Mads to have his back most of the time.
> 
> Awakened the mangekyo when he saw daddy boi killed probably??
> 
> And headcanon stuff since all canon said was "opposite of Madara :)" Imo, extremely particular about personal hygeine, clothes (no, the high collared blue shirt is for battlefield because no adam's apple flashing. the black one is the seccy one obvs), his _beautiful_ hair(which y'all should be cooing at),pranks, liked the koi pond tradition only when hes not on the receiving end, bitter tea (partly because Kurohime liked it and partly because Madara hated it and his face was p r e c c u s). A spoiled brat, if you gotta know, since he's like, the fifth out of five.
> 
> Good at talking to people. Can be blinded/not see the other side clearly but hes a manipulative bastard and knows where to strike when it counts. Extremely loyal to the clan, obviously.
> 
> How did I forget chapter two omg. I had it all written here. The pure land shenanigans are just so much fun to write. And I headcanon-doze through a lot of stuff so, um. Please spare me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My assignments are sobbing for me to touch them.  
> I'm a sadist like that.

[Sometime after the Kyuubi Attack with Obito kidnapping tailed beasts] 

Kurohime: Aniki's child...huh?

Toga:*sniff* Mada Aniki fought me for the peace pacts all the time. Now _look_ at him.

Kou: Wouldn't have done it without the eyes though.

Everyone: [side eyes Izuna]

Izuna:

Izuna: [scowls like the absolute brat he is]

Izuna: Shut up I said "don't trust the Senjus" not "I trust you to go crazy"

Omake:

Pranking duty (1)

Kou: _Older Sibling Decision Decree no Jutsu_ ; Izu's stuck with Mada's post-genjutsu pranks duty

  
Old Habits die hard (1)

Obito: [opening viewing portals to the living world and eating popcorn]

Itama: What are you doing

Obito: I am not stalking Kakashi

Obito: [flips open 20 page official speech] Why would you assume I'm stalking Kakashi? This proves nothing. 

Itama:

Obito: Enlightening objection. Utterly deplorable nevertheless.

Itama: Obito 

Itama: You are literally hugging a Kakashi plushie

Kage (1)

Izumi: Oh, Hokage-sama.

Izumi: [politely whispers] Young hokage-sama is _hot_

Shisui:[stage whispers] Shame _I_ wasn't Grandpa Kagami

Omake:

Izumi:[polite] You're hot too, Itachi.

Itachi: (ｰ ｰ;)

Izumi:[politely blunt] Hot does not mean I desire sexual encounters.

Itachi: :'(

Izumi: You classify as both.

Itachi: :)

Neji: It's the fate of the sun to set.

Kurohime: It's the fate of the birds to sing.

Neji: It's the fate of the weak to crumble.

Kawarama: Is this like some religious thing?

Omake:

Neji: [sagely] It was, wasn't and now is.

Kawarama: [flashbacks to Hashirama's religious phase with sutras and beads around forehead and bowl cut]

Kawarama [internally]: He's not there yet.

Kawarama: Neat.

Mito: Your face helps me through obstacles, Husband.

Hashirama: Aww Mito, bae you're the best! <3 <3

Madara: _Wait_ for it...

Mito: *sips tea*

Madara: _Wait_ for it..

Mito: I see you and I think, "I have faced worse"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neji's "It was, wasn't and is" is supposed to be symbolizing Pre Chunin Exams Neji believing in fate, Post Chunin Exams Neji going "Nah", and POst-war arc Neji just falling back into it after the whole "Child of _destiny_ " thing btw.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Okay you will stop writing  
> Me: You will start studying  
> Me: *sees random airplane zooming by*  
> Also me: Omg its flying rajin thunder strike--
> 
> It's a double update and my assignments have officially given up on me. Thank you for asking.

Narrator: This man braves the storm and the seas, fires and the sands, for your favorite documentries

Narrator: He is

Narrator: REPORTER HIKAKKU UCHIHA EVERYBODY

Hikakku: [In poncho, having eyebags and lost in the Forest Of Life]

Hikakku: [Squeezing leaves] Tumb/r said tea is leaf juice??

Pranking duties (2)

Tobirama [sees Izuna doodling in the sand]: What is this Uchiha doing

Tobirama [internally]: Ooo is he designing explosive seals only when he saw them once? Impressive.

Tobirama [shrugs]: Supervision isn't required. The Uchiha can't possibly harm anybody already dead.

Also Tobirama: Uchiha your braindead tendencies are shining through that spiral isn't the go to symbol there

Wooing 101 (1)

Deidara: DANNA WE SETTLED THIS

Sasori: No _YOU_ settled this.

Deidara: We're fated to be. Artists in plight, kickass chemistry, color coordinati--

Sasori: Clearly you don't use your eyes.

Deidara: It's one eye and all besides the point, yeah.

Deidara: Anyway. Color coordination.

[At a science meeting]

Minato: Shinigami-sama's agreed to get us some bodies for biology experiments!

Tobirama: Any ideas?

Orochimaru: _Hissssss_ [immoral possibly successful and crazy experiment including human limbs]

Tobirama: Interesting, but we could try with animals first.

Tobirama: [Immoral, mostly successful and insane way to experiment including animals]

Minato: Jesus Christ.

Minato: [sighing] How about [Slightly immoral, mostly successful, _sane_ way to experiment including animal carcasses]?

Orochimaru:

Orochimaru: Booo. _Hissss_.

Omake:

Madara:[background hooting noises about _fucking senju jealous of boob jobs_ and _crazy memory swapping kidnapping bastards_ ]

Tobirama:

Tobirama: Hmm I wonder why it didn't cross my mind before :)

More Omakes:

Minato: How is Orochimaru-san even here?

Minato: [internally]: More like _how_ with the Niidaime here and all those child experiments oml

Orochimaru: [Being a good parent to Mitsuki] _Hissss_

Minato:

Minato: Nvm

Hashirama: They say "oh he won't get it, it's fine talk over him"

Hashirama: They say "oh it's fine, he's kind of dumb and naive so go on, talk over him"

Hashirama: I'll let you know that I stopped believing in Santa when I was _twenty_.

Madara:

Madara: So Santa isn't the one bringing me presents in exchange for socks???

Hashirama:

Hashirama: omg madara I knew you'd be with me like just last christmas there was white hair and--

Omake:

Tobirama: UCHIHA WHAT DID YOU DO ANIJA BUNDLED ALL THE SOCKS WE'RE ALL WALKING BAREFOOT WHEN IT'S FUCKING FREEZING OUTSIDE AND--

Madara: [sipping tea]

Tobirama:-IF I GET FROSTBITE I SWEAR TO ALL THE FORCES IN THE WORLD I AM NOT MAKING YOUR BROTHER THOSE TINY WATER DRAGON CRYSTALS EVER--

Madara: No wonder the harpy lived a long life

Madara: Fucking Glorious.


	5. Chapter 5

Old habits die hard (2)

Izuna: what are you doing

Rin: I am not stalking Obito

Izuna:

Izuna: Babe you are literally hanging by the ceiling in his living room.

Rin: I'm exercising. This proves nothing.

  
Omake: 

Rin at 2am staring at the ceiling: I was exercising

Izuna: Wha? *groggily rubbing eyes*

Rin: [wide-eyed] Stretches.

  
Tobirama: And 3, 2, 1--

Madara [at the other end of the road running towards him]: HOW DARE YOU USE A _KATON_ TO LIGHT MY PLACE ON FIRE SENJU

Tobirama: [rolling eyes] Uchiha and their priorities

Madara: I WILL END YOU AND BURN ALL YOUR FUCKING SOCKS

Tobirama [skipping down the street]: Fucking glorious.

  
Pranking duties (3)

Izuna: That isn't going to work on Aniki, bastard. He's no idiot.

Tobirama: Explosive tags for Aniki as in _Madara_?

Tobirama: Abort the seals. My lab is open.

  
Distracting the Shinigami (1)

Shinigami: And so creation came to be.

Shinigami: Everyone else with long hair is pretty.

Shinigami: Even Snake Person

Narrator: Documenteries for you. He is

Narrator: REPORTER HIKAKU EVERYBODY

Hikakku: So if love for ramen is hereditary and it can be passed from generation to generation it means the spirit of the ramen doesn't die, ma'am.

Hikakku: Do you ever think about taking over Ichiraku's?

Kushina [Hands folded and professional]: As a fine connoisseur of Ramen I must confess that the taste cannot be replicated, 'tebanne.

Hikkaku:

Kushina: I do, 'tebbane.

Kushina: Every. single. day.


	6. Chapter 6

Wooing 101 (2)

Deidara: Now pinkie and emo, you know, _exactly_ the guys who killed us are fucking, yeah.

Deidara: [Dramatic sweeping gesture at the night sky genjutsu] Why doesn't he see we are fated to be??? Such tricks of fate are lost on him, yeah??

Kagami: yo you sure you aren't related to the Uchiha yeah??

Distracting Shinigami Duty (2)

Shinigami: I don't like that seal, you know.

Shinigami: Like ants climbing ant hills in my stomach

Shinigami: Why would they make this.

Touka: I know. My cousin is mean.

Kou:

  
Pranking duties (4)

Tobirama: She's been staring at you for a while Uchiha

Izuna: Hey, it's purple girl.

Izuna: She stalks the living with me.

Purple girl: Hello I'm Rin and I stalk the living with him.

Tobirama: And?

Rin: I do seals too.

Tobirama: And?

Rin: [smiles] Madara plotted my death

Tobirama:

Tobirama: Abort the stalking. My lab is open.

Kage(2)

Izumi: oh it's you on plumbing duty after our dear founder, Danzo... _sama_.

Shisui: Danzo.

Itachi: [whispers] I see that he was hot once upon a time too.

Izumi:

Danzo:

Shisui:

Hiruzen: He gets it.

Jiraiya [drunk]: Y'all need a life

Jiraiya: My man here died a virgin.

Hizashi: I had a kid

Kawarama: I was five

Neji:

Jiraiya [crying]: Let's all drink to my man who died a virgin.

Neji:


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i hereby introduce my jinchurikii babies who lack in social interaction

Kurohime: [Sighs] I miss the times when being dead was fun

Toga: [Drunk] The massacre was fun 

Kuro:[Sighs and also drunk] New people. Babies to take care of. I _know_. 

Omake:

Kurohime:[Not drunk at all] We need more genocides in your village, Hashirama-san!

[Background Hashirama laughing noises]

Madara:

Izuna: Psstt Aniki stop acting like an absolute noob to the bar shhh this is embarrassing

  
[At a local bar right outside Pure lands!Konoha]

Green-clad guy: Greetings, my youthful friends! What might you be doing near the Konoha parts of these lands! I, Maito Dai, can guide you across the village!

Han:[socially awkward and having no idea how to respond]

Han [under his breath] Roshi do your socializing thing

Roshi:[also socially awkward but slightly less in comparison, sleep deprived and mean]

Roshi: Oi you even _sane_?? Neon green sucks man wtf

  
Omake:

Yuugito:[panicking because without a guide she cant go looking for places selling (dead) bird food] 

Yuugito: [internally] okay i will diffuse the situation

Yuugito: Very respectfully Roshi-san, your hair sucks too

Yuugito: Fight averted :)

  
Jiraiya: you think I'd still be spymaster if I was alive?

nagato: sensei i'm so--

yahiko: no not with chakra fused aliens

konan: unless you dress up like an alien too with your white hair and all.

jiraiya:

nagato:

nagato: sensei on a serious note--

jiraiya: i knew all my kids were geniuses! 

  
[nagato_uzu has left the chat because of various reasons including social anxiety and a lack of grasp on reality.

pain(tm) has joined the chat]

  
nagato: respiratory pains shall not exist on the moon

konan:[shakes head] 

yahiko: [also shakes head but still translates] he says you wont be able to breathe on the moon

konan: nagato dont make him take the genius back

yahiko: [tut-tuts]

jiraiya: shh, shh, kids

nagato:

  
omake:

nagato: secondly

nagato: there will be no chain of hatred

Konan:[translates] he says if you don't breathe you will die

jiraiya: 

jiraiya: such lack of research, child. 

jiraiya: [whips out Naruto: the last DVD] 

jiraiya: our universe operates on no such laws.

naruto: i have a dream and I havent told Hima-chan or Boruto

minato: [squealing from the purelands]

kushina: no wait wait let him speak

naruto: it's being hokage dattebayo

therapist:

therpist: you...are already --

naruto: dattebayo

therapist:

  
omake:

therapist: ok moving on to positive things--

naruto: hokage is positive dattebayo

therapist:i see that but cur--

naruto: i have no more dreams

naruto: what about kazekage

naruto: my name is naruto uzumaki and i will be kazekage dattebayo

therapist:

minato:

minato: [to kushina]: naruto's birth wasn't why you didn't want the hat huh?

kushina:[very professional] you never said hokage more than 3 times a day dattebane the void wouldn't get you

kushina: you earned it

tobirama: wait one minute I have seen those people somewhere

kawarama: the red head with the Maito guy?

nawaki: uzumaki?

hashirama: mito's?

madara: another witch??

izuna: sealies??

izuna:

izuna: what?? he said witch and nobody said anything!

**Author's Note:**

> I probably will continue when inspiration strikes ig. The founders are _interesting_. So are so many dead people dynamics *wiggles fingers*


End file.
